The Ultimate Life-Fail---A Shadow the Hedgehog Parody
by Beyond An Anomaly
Summary: Shadow is in a period of rage and self-loathing over his past at the moment...but it's not over what you think it is. Just keep your distance away from that gun of his, will you? A parody of the 2005 Sonic game, Shadow the Hedgehog.


_**Hello and hi, readers!**_

_**Oh yes. It's happening: a parody of one of the most LOL-worthy Sonic games to date: Shadow the Hedgey-Hog. This story will mostly focus on the storyline of the game, and not exactly the gameplay. And let me just go ahead and state the following:**_

_**This game is abso-freaking-lutely hilarious. The plot is just…WONDERFUL…enough to make an entire story dedicated to the plot's awesome plot-holes and badness. If you don't know of the wonderful storyline…then you probably haven't played the game! XD**_

_**Speaking of which, there are spoilers, and we will reach the finale eventually, so just keep that in mind; if you haven't played the 2005 Shadow the Hedgehog, you may or may not understand the references to the plot.**_

_**So, before this drabble becomes Chapter 1, let's get to it!**_

_**Ladies and gents, "The Ultimate Life-Fail"-A Shadow the Hedgehog Parody!**_

_**Enjoy!**_

_**-BAA, who doesn't own what SEGA does.**_

* * *

A black hedgehog sat at the bar, grumbling to himself with his head resting in his arms.

"One Biolizard Blitz, extra on the Ultimate Life Tonic." the bartender read off, placing the foggy glass filled with the concoction in front of the hedgehog. All the hedgehog did was glare at the glass, which was beginning to have small liquid drops diffuse from its surface.

He felt sick. Ashamed, more or less. He went through quite a bit in his past endeavor assigned to him by his bosses and creators. And now, his journey was over…but instead of feeling happy, like expected, his mind was only shrouded by confusion.

The bartender immediately noticed this.

"What's up, Mac?" Mac was his universal name for "customer", or in this case, the ultimate life-form that was slouched before him today. "Ya look down."

The "Mac" was silent for a moment. He then stared up at the bartender and sighed,

"Have you ever regretted anything you've done in the past?"

"Whatcha mean?"

"You know…" he groaned. "Something…you agreed to…but once you did it, you regret it for the rest of your life?"

The bartender thought of this for a moment. Somehow, he did not like the direction this was heading.

Let's see. There was that one time he went to Casino Zone and got completely zonked, waking up with a showgirl in his bed at the Casa Baiser Inn and a wedding ring on his finger courtesy of the Sweety Hearts Chapel, or that one time where he actually met up with that showgirl two years later and met his son "Sylvester Stallone Cooper III"…

"Well…I mean…" the barkeep stuttered, trying to keep his composure. His past wasn't one he remembered all that fondly. "I guess so. But…doesn't everybody, Mac?"

His customer winced, reaching out for his drink.

"Yeah, but…" he stated. "No one has gone through what I had to…nor should they."

The barkeep's interest was piqued at this point. This was really the only reason why he did this gig, slinging around drinks and cleaning smudgy drinking utensils. Of course he hated the job, oh sure, but through all the alcoholic toxic breath and cigarette fumes, he knew something was hiding underneath his "Mac", and every blue moon, doing his menial service was actually worth the stories he heard..

He remained silent, scrubbing a foggy glass with a dish rag from below.

"Bartender…"

"Call me Jeff, Mac."

"Fine." the ultimate life-form responded. "As long as you call me Shadow."

"Deal."

"Okay…well …'Jeff'," Shadow the Hedgehog took a sip of his drink, ice cubes clinking against the surface. "I've gone through quite a bit, you know…"

"Yeah…aren't ya from that game with the blue guy? Whatzit called…Sly…"

"Sonic. Sonic the Hedgehog." Shadow growled, loathing the name, the possessor of it, and the origin of it, considering what occurred…

"Aw yeah! Yeah," Jeff nodded. "My son loves those games!"

Or so he assumed. His showgirl "one-time deal" still thought that their marriage was "forever" and that his son was the biggest focus of Jeff the barkeep's life. So, his email inbox was filled to the brim with continual updates on what his son did every couple of hours. Apparently he liked those games with the blue guy who ran around and collected things.

Sly or Sonic. One of the two, she said. No matter what anthromorphic fictional character was correct, however, he just rolled with it.

"Good for him…" Shadow didn't mean that, of course. "How old is he?"

"Uh…" Jeff bit his lip. "Ten?"

Or was it twelve? Twenty, maybe? Eh, like he knew.

"Oh, great!" Shadow burst out sarcastically, swinging around his drink. The bartender was caught by surprise by this outburst; he wondered if the hedgehog was already drunk from two swigs. "Then he's old enough to play my game! How fan-freaking-tastic!"

"…_Your _game, Ma-"

"Shadow."

"Right."

Shadow shook his head, taking a large gulp of the Biolizard Blitz. The cooling tonic drizzled down his throat ever so slowly, but he already felt his senses diffuse.

"Oh yeah," he nodded. "MY game."

"Ya got your own game? Really, now?"

"Mmm-hmm…" Shadow licked his lips, which tasted of salt and broken dreams. "2005. One HELL of a year."

"Well…how did it go?"

"How do _you _think, considering _my _period of self-loathing?!"

"Well, figured I'd ask." the barkeep shrugged, still cleaning that same glass absent-mindedly. "I mean, having your own game sounds…"

"Like a dream, yeah?"

"…Yeah…"

"That's what I thought, too," Shadow stared off into the distance. "When I was first given the deal…"

Shadow straightened up his back.

"There's only one reason why I was given the offer, anyway." he remarked.

"What makes ya say that?" Jeff inquired.

After another gulp, Shadow squinted his eyes and shrugged.

"Well," Shadow huffed. "I'm what they call a 'fan favorite'. People like me, I guess. I was only meant to be in one game…but I was signed back onto the roster by the big men over at SEGA to go back to being Sonic's 'doppelganger'…whatever THAT is. Dunno WHY I'm so popular…but apparently they thought I was popular enough to get my own game…and thus…"

Shadow shuttered as he took out a small, slender package. It had "GameCube" on the top of the package, above a picture of the bartender's "Mac" in the middle of an explosion. The hedgehog's name read across the package in dark red, next to an unrecognizable symbol.

Jeff took a good look at the package, which the hedgehog slid towards him across the bar. He picked up the package with widened eyes.

"Well, heheh," the bartender hummed. He then tried to think of a joke… "Looks as though you aren't happy…"

"And I wasn't. They told me to get mad, look like I was pissed off with the world…" Shadow shrugged, not caring that he just shot down the bartender's remark meant to at least give a chuckle. "And let's just say it wasn't hard. You know what's odd about that package alone?"

"Hmm?"

"Turn your attention to my hands."

Jeff took note of the command, and couldn't believe what he saw…

"A…gun?"

"Yes. In a _Sonic _game, remember." Shadow reached over the bar and tapped the package with one hand, holding his glass of Blitz in the other. "And there's more nonsense within, Jeff. Trust me."

"I-I frankly can't get over that rifle in your hands." Jeff wondered if Stallone ever played this game. Knowing [vaguely of] his warped mind, he'd be all over the cover alone.

"That gun's not even in the game."

"You ain't kiddin'?"

"Telling you…it was all a mess…" Shadow shuttered once more, rasping, "_All of it…"_

"Like…what, Shadow?" Jeff finally put down the glass in one of the shelves below the bar, as Shadow finished his drink.

There was but a drop left of the glistening green liquid at the bottom of the glass. He let out a sigh, feeling the contents of the drink set in. It felt slightly soothing, that Blitz cooling him down. He wouldn't mind one more to repress his sorrow…or two…three, maybe.

"Tell you what, Jeff. You make me another," Shadow hiccupped, resting his head in his palm as he gestured at the glass. "And I'll tell you all abo-"

"Deal."

Jeff didn't hesitate for a moment as he made that drink. He heard so many stories from many different people. Men who weren't happy with their wives, guilty from hiding possible affairs or fearing a possible lay off at their corporate business. Women who moaned about their friends, their husbands, the deals that they missed at the outlet malls and the fellow housewife that stabbed them in the back at the last PTA meeting.

He really didn't care about all that. It was his job to listen, not care…

But there was that one time, every blue moon, that one would come in with one hell of a story. This ultimate life-form wasn't the usual customer with the usual problems…for if he was usual…

Shadow the Hedgehog's "saddening" case wouldn't be at all interesting.

A blue moon was out that night…

* * *

_**And there we have it! The intro of "The Ultimate Life-Fail"! This'll get uber fun to write, and I wanted to try something different starting off, with Shadow "expressing his pain" to a citizen's ear.**_

_**Reviewing/critiquing/possible things to bring up from the game would be well-appreciated, and thank you all for the love and support!**_

_**Thanks for reading! :D**_

_**-BAA**_


End file.
